LEXNUCLEUS

8 weeks elapsed that I didn’t hear anything from you.
I felt so lost, and for someone who hardly stays at home, I’ve found solace in my room; my escape, not perfect but comfortable enough. The song “unwell” kept playing on the radio. I could perfectly relate to it more than anyone else. I have written 3 songs out of the blue, or maybe out of desperation, but I thought,maybe you wouldn’t even want to hear them or anything.

Dawn, 3rd day of the 9th week since you left.
The phone kept on ringing. My grandma got so pissed off coz no one answers every time she picked it up. She thought of it as prank calls again. The rings plus my grandma’s complaints woke me up. I told her I’ll take care of it and to go back to sleep. I adjusted the ringer to the faintest volume possible.

After a few minutes the phone rang again and I picked up the receiver and said “hello”.

I could only hear silence and faint sobs. I knew instantly that it was you.
My heart raced like that of a bullet train nearly collapsing. I thought I was gonna have an asthma attack. Thank God, I didn’t. I wanted to scream at you and tell you I hate you for being gone so long without even giving me a call or anything– but instead, all I could say was “are you alright?” It’s crazy! That was my very chance to ask you, why? To tell you how hard every single day without you was. But, not a single word came out of my mouth and all I could do was sigh.

I’ll have to hang-up the phone in a minute if you won’t speak up…”
I’ve tried to sound upset, but not convincing enough. Who was I trying to fool? When the truth was, I was really scared you might disconnect the call.

“No! Please don’t..” you finally spoke up!

9 long weeks, I’ve waited nine long weeks just to hear from you. Tears just kept on coming endlessly. Perhaps you sensed that I was crying too, I guess I was never good at hiding my true emotions from you, ever. I don’t know how to explain it, but all the sadness seemed to have melted away. I felt a little gladness glowed inside me for the first time after such a long time. Damn what are you doing to me? I couldn’t even get myself to hate you!, Worst is, I think I have just forgiven you in an instant. You didn’t even apologize just yet. There I was, talking to myself again.

Are you alright?” you asked. My mind said, “Of course I’m not! How dare you ask!”
“Yeah” I said. “I’m okay”. I don’t know if I was trying to convince you or myself, or maybe all I wanted was to say was, I’m really glad to hear from you.
“I’m sorry… I.. I was calling, I kept calling.. but I didn’t know how to talk to you.. how to explain that i never meant nor planned for this to happen.. I..” you said, trying to explain and I cut you off. “It’s alright. You don’t have to say anything, you don’t have to explain. I don’t know how you’d do it right now, but a hug would definitely do me good”.

I think I’m dehydrated”, I said. There I was talking nonsense again at the wrong time. But, all I wanted to say was,” I’ve been crying too much, you know”. You must have understood what I meant and said “you could stop crying now”.

I was just lying there in my bed, staring at the mural painting. After a few minutes of staying on the phone and not saying anything, I must’ve dozed off. I don’t know if you’ve been talking on the phone or what. I thought I heard you say “I’m holding you closest to me right now”.. and I felt it… and I said “yeah i know….”

In my heart, I’ve forgiven you and you knew.

Didn’t i plan to say I hated you for the past 8 weeks? Whatever happened to all the hate poems? I even wrote all the hate words I planned to use when we get to talk… All those to make you feel equally hurt. but….

How did you do that? How could you still have so much power over me? Damn.

The morning after that, I found myself strolling at the beach again…